Sister-Mary Sister-Mary Sofa is an over the top Brooklyn campy nun determined to set the world straight! Vincent Caruso takes you inside the chaotic and yet typical day in the life of an old school Brooklyn nun. Sister rules the world, filtered with self-righteousness, making fun of parents, republicans, celebrities, yuppies, and her very own special class of spoiled children who attempt to call the shots.
“I am 50% Irish. (Pulls out a body of Jamerson). God’s blessings. 25% Italian. And 25% Jewish. Not a combination you would like to mess around with. Look at me very closely. I said look at me! Look at me-look at me-look at me. They don’t make them like this anymore.”
“And if it weren’t for my mother none of us would be here today! That’s right! Another disgusting part! The sofa—where most of us were conceived on what started out to be a very innocent Saturday night date! The sofa—where famous politicians have done a little bit of frolicking here and there. Mistresses up the condom trail! President Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe – the sofa! President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky – the sofa! Former Governer Spitz and his entourage – hotel sofas! Former Governer Mark Sanford and his Argentinian princess – the sofa! John Edwards – and his mistress – the sofa! Former Governer James McGreevey and his boy toy – I am sure there were at least five on the sofa the same time – the sofa! And what’s with all these governors? Oh – and let’s not forget former governor Sarah Palin’s daughter and her boyfriend – the so – I take that back – the bathroom stall in Burger King! Anyway—all politically frivolous people – sinners to say the least!”
“Hi. May I speak to Father-Johnny Father-Johnny Father-Johnny Patrick? Hi Father, this is Sister-Mary Sister-Mary Sofa. Need another hour in the day just to give introductions! How are you today? Good. Praise be it. Father, we seem to have a little bit of a problem. I’ve been getting updates lately from the bishop lately that you are just a little too feminine. Your voice father. They say it’s very breathy. Very Marilyn Monroeish like in Some Like it Hot. And when you get excited, particularly when you teach your Home Economics class you have a little bit of Adeline going on from Guys and Dolls. Yes father, I know you know your show tunes, that’s why I give these examples (rolls eyes). I need you to talk tough. What’s tough? You know—rough it up a bit. Rough it up. Rough it up. Think truck drivers father. I can imagine you have a high regard for truck drivers. Yes exactly! Like the ones seen cruising on the Jersey Turnpike. Look up the word masculine. That’s why we have Webster. He may be dead but we still need him. You know father – with the priest playing with the boys – the boys playing with the priest – the priest dressing up like girls – and sometimes even the girls coming to see the priest dress up like girls— oy! I’m getting dizzy from all these scenarios. Before you know it – we’re all over the internet – and TMZ is up my tail – 24/7. I’m not having it!”
Copyright © 2012 by Vincent Caruso. All rights reserved. For reprint information contact Vincent Caruso.